Spam Sandwich

Littering my Inbox is more spam than I ingested during three summers at Girl Scout camp. If I had a big jar of yellow mustard and some Wonder bread I could throw a picnic for the Mid-Atlantic.  

I don’t need a physics lesson to know that nature abhors a vacuum. Every time I hit “unsubscribe” to a teaser for something I can live without (such as cheese-filled brats with a pound of bacon tossed in if I order before Easter), a dozen or so new messages pop up to fill the void.

Today I  scanned ads about breast and penis enlargers (No thanks, I like ‘em all  just the way they are), congressional representatives seeking donations, teeth whiteners, personalized calendars, domestic partnerships (I’ll pass), wrinkle removers and fillers (Not if there are needles involved), books I should buy, belly fat minimizers (20 years too late), a bracelet that will “increase strength, flexibility and balance” (Will it increase my  IQ?); gluten-free recipes (hey, I like gluten!), reverse mortgages, yoga retreats, silk underwear (It’s  97° on my deck), a virtual tour of Miss Ollie’s in Jackson, Tennessee, a retirement community in Tierra del Fuego (My kids would never forgive me), Christian Singles/J Date/match.com/eHarmony/Black Singles, bladder control, and a rodeo in Kalispell. Some smartski marketer asks, “Want to make your book a bestseller?” (Hell, yes. How stupid do I look?).

 I’ve entertained ads for erectile dysfunction, a trip to Antarctica (only $12k), tango lessons, Vocus, to “monitor my brand on social media in near-real time” (is Bill Maher involved?), and cancer/heart disease/MS/diabetes/cerebral palsy/overeaters anonymous/Red Cross/short people organizations.

An airline invited me to fly to Columbus for $49 (Sorry, $49 too much). I’ve dodged pitches for premium business cards “for only $5,” the First Ever Colorado Virtual Beer Tasting (What fun is that?), and the premiere of “Death and Cremation” at Fox Studios. (Go ahead, look it up if you don’t believe me.)

Of the 100 or more announcements clogging my pc’s arteries daily like nasty LDLs, six or seven are work-related, a few are from friends and family, and one is from a Nigerian gentleman with a pile of dough he’s dying to gift me—if only I’ll send him a check because his aunt is ill and, while I’m at it, include my Social Security number.

Brightening my day is the occasional flirtation from a balding blast from the past who thinks we should give it another shot (after 48 years).

If  I had the discipline to delete messages without first inspecting them, I’d conserve  precious hours each day. I could take up cross-stitching! Bake a soufflé. Finish my memoir, Tales of a Fallen Pork Roll Queen. But I’m weak. And, my luck, I would miss the one message sure to bring me riches and fame.

Every time I double-click on Outlook, I see my life passing before my eyes. And that’s something I can ill afford. So, please, stop e-mailing me. Unless you’re in Nigeria and have a lot of money.

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14 responses to “Spam Sandwich

  1. you’re stronger than you know, Beth. My ego has been trampled by the number of people who obviously think I need Viagra and penis enlargement. 😦 More seriously, I assume they’d stop if it never worked, which makes me wonder how many people really do surrender their info to get that Nigerian money/lottery winnings/free TV etc.

    And if it makes you feel any better… I open every one of them too.

  2. Jackie Fullerton

    Loved the blog. I can so relate. However, I have to object to the comment on Columbus. I’m from Columbus, Ohio and where else can you find a cow carved from butter and daily farm reports before the national news. You gotta love it.

  3. Ann A (Md Writers)

    You’re absolutely right. Some of the emails I get really make me laugh. Especially the ones about penis enlargement. What? You mean they have a medication that makes something out of nothing? My other fav of late is the one that told me I could find my perfect man if I sent an email for a psychic reading. Seriously? Thanks for the laughs.

  4. Beth … your humor is brilliant! Move over, Dave Barry! P.

  5. Sooo funny and soooooo true. I laughed so hard I almost lost my pork roll sandwich. xo

  6. Carolyn Sullivan

    Hah, this made me laugh out loud. But I actually think you need a better spam filter, most of the unwanted emails I get are from sites I did visit at one time or another plus a lot of PR related stuff. My peeve is with people who Reply All when I care less is they are attending a meeting, have received a notice, or can make that enticing evite pot luck!

  7. My goodness. Get thee a good filter — and stat!

  8. Marjorie Beenders

    Hi, Beth: A voice from the past – that’s me responding to you. Hope you don’t think I’m too spammy. Loved hearing from you. I saw your name in my e-mail and I thought – Oh, Hooray – hadn’t heard from you in ages. And, Your blog made me smile and laugh – couldn’t have come at a better time. Just needed some time away from “spending too much time” on work stuff -some of it good, some of it not so good. Okay, I guess I’ve had enough fun, so I need to get back “at it.”

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