Ban Winter: It’s Unconstitutional!

It’s official—There’s snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states.

With this bellwether, we can swiftly ban winter.

Wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate Christmas in hot pants and know your mother-in-law wouldn’t be stuck at your house an extra week?  

If we follow our legislators’ lead—find words in the Constitution to support our cause—we can delete December through March for eternity.

This goal in mind, I began scrutinizing the Constitution for the right words, already scripted by the Founding Fathers.

 Eureka! There it was, smack dab, in the Preamble:

            We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

“Welfare” jumped off the page and hit me upside the head.

          Welfare (according to the American Heritage Dictionary): n. 1. health, happiness, or prosperity; well-being.

Only a moron would think that weeks of subfreezing temperatures, blizzards, ice and sleet storms promote health, happiness, prosperity and well-being.

Haven’t we had enough global cooling? 

Constituents in New England, the Mid-Atlantic and Midwest will storm Congress to legislate for a revised calendar sans winter. 

Most of the South will surely follow suit. Crackers are always caught with their overalls down when storms strike.

With a little effort, we can gain support from non-skiing Westerners. 

Granted, we may have trouble appealing to Florida, the lone state without snow. But when was Florida ever part of the U.S.? Everybody knows it’s a suburb of New Jersey.

We can do this! Before the first crocus breaks through the slush, we can build grassroots support that will make the 2008 election look like a day at the beach.

Are you with me?



15 responses to “Ban Winter: It’s Unconstitutional!

  1. the Key West/carribean lobby, HQ in , of course the Carribean,, and their tourism, allfliliates would certainly oppose this.
    And rightly they should… all of those dollars , “frozen” maybe redirected to the northern states , Vermont, NH etc, even maybe Minn,not to hot not to cold,, just right,
    Wait a minute ,, isnt that California,,
    not sure where I am going with this,, just thought it would be fun to right back so that you knew I was reading your emails cheers,, Debbie

  2. Heard many years ago that the dreaming of a white Christmas thing is a myth and that fewer than 50% of us dream of a white Christmas. I think the number was even lower than that.
    I’ll sign the petition.

  3. He he he! Good one. I am sure many would love to wipe out the bad winter weather, wherever they live and whenever they get it 🙂 What is even worse is that some companies down here have threathened, and some possibly made good on the threats to fire staff if they did not get into work even though they were not able to get out due to the roads solid with ice and even public transportation unavailable. Of course, some people don’t even live near public transport which could get them to work even if they were running. What do these companies expect…that the people should put wings on their vehicles and fly up and over all this, or walk/slip/slide…fall and get up again to their jobs? Oh my!!!

  4. Carole Henderson

    Good argument Beth – I’m all for it – seems that the winter in the US has been as bad as it has been in Stockholm. Ice covered sidewalks and generally miserable conditions. Maybe I could site the US Constitution as the basis for banning winter here too!

  5. We love it here in Florida. Glad I am not in Atlanta

  6. Amen and pass the sunscreen! 🙂

  7. I’m down. Where do I sign up? If Congress can change Daylight Savings Time, sure it can change the months of the year.

  8. Im with you!

  9. My little ‘redhead’ Lucy agrees! The poor little lady (mixed canine with super-short legs – dachshund style – decided to try to run after a squirrel as soon as the garage door went up … well, I can’t figure out how to post the picture – but the squirrel not only is faster, it also can run on TOP of 29″ of snow… Lucy (who began life in Florida and took years before she even put a paw into the white stuff) was quickly in over her head and looking for a rescue! She’s fine now, but dreaming of Florida more often than ever….

  10. If I told my writing students once, I told them a hundred times. Writers have to be careful with their choice of words.

    Your treatise on winter had my attention up until the third line where you posed the question, “Wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate Christmas in hot pants. . . ?

    At that point my mind started to wander.

  11. Pingback: Winter Sucks « Random and Sundry Things

  12. I’m with you. Everyone should have to go to the Bahamas from December to April….should be a Law!!! Close up shop, turn off the heat, pull the blinds down, unplug the phone and pack a bag. It wouldn’t be a vacation…it could be classified as a necessity…for the well being of our bodies and minds, not to mention how much electricity and fuel we’d be saving the country.

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