Online Media Marketing Misfires Again

“We are so excited to let you know that today is the day …” sucked me in. A poster child for “easily distracted,” I am easy prey for publicists on fishing expeditions.

My keyboard began to pulsate, the keys rising and falling in anticipation.

“Yoomi Bottle Hits Shelves Today in U.S.”

I read on. “Yoomi Bottle is a feeding system that warms expressed breast milk …” Well, there’s good news! For some women, perhaps. For this grandmother, the news is decades late. I lost interest in babies, breast milk, pumps and self-warming mammary-produced nourishment when Tricky (“I am not a crook”) Dick was in the White House.

Gagging on the breast-pump hype, I spit up. And, still smarting from my annual mammogram a month ago, I declined the offer for images. It pains me to even think about it.

I considered ignoring the messenger (or shooting her). Instead, I replied.

Dear Publicist Trying to Make Your Quota:
I haven’t breastfed recently. My son is 40, my daughter 42. Fortunately, they outgrew their fondness for it well before college.

Believe me, I wish I could produce milk. I’d be on the cover of the Guinness Book of Records, have money in the bank, and star in my own (un)reality show.

Please don’t send me messages pertaining to: breast milk (warm, cold or room temperature), infantile seborrheoic eczema, educational nursery décor, inoculation schedules, projectile vomiting, holistic cures for prickly heat, stuffed animals, nasal aspirators, poopy diapers, toys with moving parts, pediatricians, infant carriers, children’s photographers, colic, lead paint, traveling with kids, ear infections, Ralph Lauren onesies for 3-month-olds, teething, and undescended testicles.

I want no further communiqués from your company, unless your clients sell: adult diapers, gas busters, energy elevaters, memory enhancers, varicose vein concealer, facial hair remover, cellulite zappers, mood menders, discount vodka, or all-expenses-paid trips to Maui.

Thank you.

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14 responses to “Online Media Marketing Misfires Again

  1. Once again, Beth Rubin delivers her special brand of humor that everyone can relate to. I especially like her neat way of addressing the off-target marketing campaign. Beth, got any ideas on how I should reply to all the “enlarge your penis” spam my inbox receives every day?

  2. So, uh, did you get a response? A curt “You’ve been removed from our email list. Sorry to lose you.” LOL.

    • We’re pen pals. Or e-pals. Yesterday I heard from a publicist representing a local swim team. She thought MY READERS would be interested. I wrote back: “What readers?”

  3. well written and funny!! you always find something humorous in everyday occurences!! love reading your blogs!

  4. almost makes me want to have a baby (at 68) since they have such wonderful gadgets for moms. Do they have a way if all the plumbing has been surgically removed?

  5. What Boobs!

    Just keep us abreast of the latest in adult diaper and denture technology. (do you know they make Adult Pampers in “fashionable colors” now. Imaging that alluring conversation on a senior citizen Jdate chat room. “so, what are YOU wearing?”

    Ok – I’ve milked this subject dry.

    • Adult Pampers in “fashionable colors? Drat! Why didn’t I think of that? Wonder if they make ’em in my favorite cerise…

      You won’t be surprised to learn that members of the Up Yours party (my answer to the Tea Party) wear hats decorated with colored tampons. I’ll send you a picture.

  6. Beth – you are brilliant. I happen to be breast-a-phobic. Who would want large orbs of fat that add to my total weight on my scale?
    You must always write and not just because you want to pay the mortgage. You have a talent. Your humor is your gift. I can’t get enough of your creativity.

  7. Beth, as always, you crack me up! Somehow, we need to find time to get together, ’cause I really miss you!

    Have a very happy Mothers’ Day, m’dear!
    Hugs to you,
    Loree

    • Mother’s Day? It’s Mother’s Day? Enjoy your day. Let me know how you enjoyed the 4 dozen yellow roses, breakfast in bed and spa visit.
      We’ll compare notes next week! I want to see you before the first frost. Think we can make it happen?

  8. You’d think by now someone would have designed a dual purpose breast pump/male enhancement product. Don’t they essentially work the same way? It would have to be dishwasher safe, of course…

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